@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

You Might Also Like

@rockymomax

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@Lisabug74

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

@DadBeard

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

@SentenceReduced

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

@JPLFR80

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

@minnebama

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?