Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.


By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?


Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.


Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock


Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.


People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos


if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?