Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
This bar smells like my childhood.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Science memes
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome