@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

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@ThaJawn

*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation

*sneezes

*head slams into window and breaks it

@WhaJoTalkinBout

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@JasonLastname

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

@thejamietighe

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!