This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Tuesday
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select