*breathes on window creating condensation
*starts to write in condensation
*head slams into window and breaks it
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!