How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.