@brendohare

Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.

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@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@CodyJP9412

REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

@BigJDubz

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.