My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
being a writer on Twitter:
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.