@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

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@radtoria

I have lost a fiancé and a baby and a dog and I am just so tired of having things taken away from me. Please for the love of god, go do something nice for someone today to restore the balance in this world just a little. Life is too short and precious.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

@Ciara_Knight

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

@MomOfTeen

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@InternetHippo

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

@Cornjerker78

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.