On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.
Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce
Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The projected sales figur-
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks