Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking