@KKAlThani

Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?

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@thestlouisan

I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

@_Mo_lee_

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

@LoniBryantt

It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

@EndhooS

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@TheRolo

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth