Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?

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I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.


Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month


Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.


It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL


One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.


What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”


Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg


Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up


“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”



Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth