How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office