I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You Might Also Like
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I hope this email finds you in a well
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.