@ComedyAndTruth

Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”

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@AndrewsNotFunny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@JediGigi

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@LADaddy

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.