Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Any refunds available?…
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
meanwhile over on facebook
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.