Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”