‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.