I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
We all have our pet causes.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.