Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.