my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
[ roll credits ]
Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.
Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.