@eyeswidebutt

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@SteussieErica

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@prufrockluvsong

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@Tmoney68

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.