@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

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@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@Peauxtassium

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

@bees_wingz

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

@smithsara79

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@SpencerLenox

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices