WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices