The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships