If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
This raises questions
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?