Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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If looks could kill
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.