@D2BMcG

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

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@summerofbenny

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@Gupton68

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@mindflakes

A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?