“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?