@MomOnFire

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

You Might Also Like

@TitansHomer

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don’t think that’s a weakness

M: I don’t give a shit what you think.

@kwirkyKerri

*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*

@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@PharmerRPh

Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

@brown4ngel

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park