Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness
B: I don’t think that’s a weakness
M: I don’t give a shit what you think.
*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park