Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
The smoothest fall of all time
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!