Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
When you’ve simply given up.