Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Miscakes
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.