“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.