Saint West, the patron of selfies
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”