“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.