@SamuelHLowe

– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.

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@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@geowizzacist

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@iwearaonesie

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

@fro_vo

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

@BoomBoomBetty

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.