My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.