The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Harsh but fair
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”