-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

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[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig


Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts


If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?


Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.


if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.


FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.


Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”


Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.


9: You like Twitter Dad?
Me: Yep
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
M: yep
9: nevermind


I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.