-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch