hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
You Might Also Like
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Jurassic park gets weird
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.