“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*