BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer