@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

@lisaxy424

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.

@ohthatbadger

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

@AndrewChamings

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels