“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!


Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.


ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?


Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.


A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.


I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.


The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.


MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels