Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.