@Fred_Delicious

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

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@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@BritXNic

Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.

@girlontapas

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”

@sonictyrant

Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*

@KeetPotato

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

@JT_IV_

I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze