*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.