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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??