@Addison_Peacock

Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display

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@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch

@blade_funner

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

@KeetPotato

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@MattarWendtar

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

@mcclure111

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

@praisecheese

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.