I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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North and South
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.