@B_poling82

Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

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@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

@HatfieldAnne

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

@huntigula

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

@pinupteacher

[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?

“No.”

*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]

@bea_ker

[2025]

Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@Peauxtassium

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

@TheCiscoKidder

I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.