Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen


If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.


WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie


[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?


*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]



Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.


I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.