She left me alone in the house with Cupcakes cooling.
Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?
*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*
Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous
*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*
me: i feel anxious
body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down
me: i feel much worse
body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.