“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Thoughts
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo