“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
A dad and his duck
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.