[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Trying
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon