“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Art by Pastelkatto
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
the Monday after daylight savings
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”