“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.