Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks