help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.