I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.
But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.