Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
A classic…
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.