Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You Might Also Like
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
True statement👍😏😁
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
cause of death:
autopsy.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.