I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps