@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

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@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@JosesLovesYou

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

@reallifemommy3

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@TuSoonShakur

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

@mrjohndarby

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question