help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You Might Also Like
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
first you must answer his riddles
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first