Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.