@kelkulus

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

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@Knob_ish

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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@sarita6032

I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@Brampersandon_

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@AbbyHasIssues

Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.