Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?