@GrantTanaka

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

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@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@Book_Krazy

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

@SeaGlassSiren

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

@TheBoydP

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@caliluvgirl77

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.