Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.



my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted


So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”


You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…


The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.


What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?


coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful


When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver


Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.