@markhoppus

[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]

You Might Also Like

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@Ojasism

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@KeetPotato

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

@fakedansavage

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate