Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate