@markhoppus

[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]

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@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

@bridger_w

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

@WilliamRodgers

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@remmarg_yelsel

With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.

@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@SarahR_82

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”