[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]

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ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what


Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed


It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…


My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?


With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.


Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.


I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.


WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”